“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it