I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart