Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
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“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
meanwhile over on facebook
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂