Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
You Might Also Like
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.