@weenbeans: I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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@nottheworstmom: *RSVP’ing to Christmas party* Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
@pizzabottle: Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.