@juliussharpe: I'll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.
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@LetsGet9ined: Man: a pack of condoms please. Cashier: would you like a paper bag? Man: no thanks, she's pretty good looking.
@prodnose: Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying "Cancer" on boxes replace it with the word "Acne".
@VictorscarletJ: I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?
@katiefzack: Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, "If I'm alive by then," and hang up.