Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.