Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
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I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.