Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
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[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
*aggressively waits in line*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor