*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
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Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
(yawn)
haha same
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Horrifying if literal: foot locker