Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
That’s classic.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Support your local cemetery
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.