@causticbob: Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it "White People"
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@KrunkedRobot: Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
@SCbchbum: My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn't just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
@PaperWash: "I bought a new car!" Whoa that's a lemon, how much did you pay? "Only $3,200" Dude it's literally a piece of fruit "Damn....not again"
@DanTaylorAuthor: Me: *gets in from fishing trip* Girlfriend: did you catch anything? Me: *sighs* just an old boot Girlfriend: okay, what's she called?