Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.