My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
You Might Also Like
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.