I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!