@itswrigley: I'm 2/3 virgin.
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@ValeeGrrl: Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV. Now you're ready to have kids.
@IamEnidColeslaw: a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds
@mattingebretson: I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered "please stop stealing my spotlight"
@hello_saylor: Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.