The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
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Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Got him!
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
14: Mom, you鈥檙e like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we鈥檙e like 10 years apart.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we鈥檙e not having sex?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
馃く馃く馃く
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I鈥檝e ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.