I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
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“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
smh
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.