I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
fly smarter, not harder
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Pringles
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
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