I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me