It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
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This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I love it all
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT