I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Sing it!
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?