I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”