I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
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Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?