I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
That was easy.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW