The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
✌🏽
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.