disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned