I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
You Might Also Like
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
This tweet has been deleted
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis