I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.