“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
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Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
🤣😈🤣
Just a friendly reminder!
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”