“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
You Might Also Like
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
i dont have time for this
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*