Always the barmaid, never the bar.
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adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
called in thicc to work this morning
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.