6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
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You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Chicken bread
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.