I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
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[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.