[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
They’re not wrong
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!