ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
You Might Also Like
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
B
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?