@Phook75: I'm 89% certain I'm technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90's early 2000's cause I left for beer and never came back
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@catstronomical: Him: don't say anything embarrassing Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
@vikkaroni: If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
@TheToddWilliams: [shark therapy] "My girl dumped me & I haven't eaten in days" There's lots of fish in the sea "Yeah but...actually that covers everything"