[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
no one likes gloating
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Finished stitching this today 😇