I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
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My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.