I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
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No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.