I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
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Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.