I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches