Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
A man of commitment.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
They grow up so quick
we all know this pain all too well
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.