[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
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Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.