Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
bad news gang
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.