Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder