im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
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Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”