I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
You Might Also Like
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.