@Gooooats: I'm a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.
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@UncleDuke1969: Billy: Hi! What's your name? Johnny: Johnny. B: Hey, what's THAT? J: An iPhone 4. Mom: Who's your new friend, Billy? B: Johnny. He's poor.
@RdrJay47: [Calls Ex-Girlfriend] Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
@MrIceMachine: Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight? Me: Yea! Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is. Me: But I thought-? Mind: Don't worry, it can fly.
@Beardson: I'm simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.