home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
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Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore