i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?