I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.