I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats