I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
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[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I put the mess in domestic.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”