CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years